I am a high school girl and I feel hopeless. I am 15 years old and wait- before you click away because you believe this is merely some decoy for pity or some self-depreciating teen seeking attention, hear me out. I feel different, is difference a good thing? I’ve always thought difference was, but now I’m not so sure. I think this time difference is killing me.

I am a high school girl yet I feel like I should be more. My friends are happy with never looking farther than the present, experiencing a sort of Folie à deux.  I’m different, the present is a word I can barely understand because the future is where I am. I’m stuck in a state of dysphoria, unhappy with where I am but scared for the future. I am 15 but I feel older, scared,  uncertain for the future. I feel like I’m wasting my life on school, I feel like I’ve learned enough but maybe I’ve learned nothing at all.

I have a contradicting mind, a mind of fire and water. They don’t mix do they? Water puts out the fire, and fire just makes the water boil. I want to be a writer but I can’t put my emotions into words. I’m afraid of the dark but I love the mystery of night. I keep my friends from self-harming but sometimes I do it myself. I tell everyone to keep trying when I just want to stop.

I am fighting my way through life without even knowing what I’m fighting for. I am a soda bottle, my emotions the soda. You shake it up, and suddenly it has become dangerous. You have a choice, open it up all at once and watch it explode or open it slowly and twist by twist let the fizz pour out and try your hardest to contain the mess. I am that soda bottle,  this is the first twist, I’m going to open myself up twist by twist,post by post so I can explain to you the feelings of a high school girl, lost and confused trying her best to find herself. I am not going to glorify these stories or change things so I can pretend things were easy because  they are not. I am a lost girl.

Those words used to mean something different to me. I always imagined I’d be saying them when Peter Pan finally stopped by my window and whisked me off to neverland. It kills me to say that Peter Pan is not real and I will never be a ‘lost girl’ at least not in that sense. I will only ever be Alice, lost in wonderland, stumbling her way through a world full of monsters and creeps.  I am just another Alice who’s trying to find her way out of her head and trying to find her way in a wonderland that is not a lie and actually full of wonder. But I think maybe, I will be okay with that if I accept it early on. Wish me luck, I believe I am going to need it.

“I’m not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.” ~Cheshire Cat.

(I shall remain anonymous under the name Alice)

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